Someone says:
“You did an excellent job.”
And instead of simply saying thank you, you immediately respond:
“It was nothing.”
Or:
“I just got lucky.”
Or:
“Anyone could have done it.”
Maybe you laugh. Maybe you change the subject. Maybe you explain why the result was not actually that impressive.
And sometimes the discomfort is stronger when the praise is personal:
“You are really good at what you do.”
“You are such a thoughtful person.”
“You handled that beautifully.”
You may be perfectly comfortable receiving criticism.
But praise?
Praise can make you want to disappear.
If this sounds familiar, it does not automatically mean that you have low self-esteem or a psychological problem.
There are several possible reasons someone might struggle to receive positive feedback. Research has examined how self-esteem and existing self-knowledge shape responses to social feedback, while research on fear of positive evaluation has explored why some people can experience positive attention as uncomfortable or threatening. Van Schie et al., 2018 Reichenberger & Blechert, 2019
The more useful question is:
What does praise mean to you?
Because sometimes the discomfort is not really about the compliment.
It is about what the compliment asks you to believe about yourself.
Praise can feel uncomfortable for surprisingly different reasons
Two people can both struggle to accept compliments for completely different reasons.
One may be uncomfortable with attention.
Another may believe the compliment is exaggerated.
Someone else may fear that accepting it will look arrogant.
Another person may immediately think about whether they can live up to the praise next time.
And someone with a fragile sense of self-worth may find that positive feedback simply does not match the way they see themselves.
Research on social feedback suggests that the relationship between positive feedback and self-evaluation is not straightforward. In one study, self-esteem and the consistency of feedback with existing self-knowledge influenced how participants responded to positive and negative social feedback. Van Schie et al., 2018
So when someone praises you, your mind may be processing more than the words.
It may also be comparing those words with your existing story about yourself.
If the two do not match, the compliment can feel difficult to absorb.
1. “They are just being nice”
Someone compliments your work.
You immediately explain it away.
“They probably say that to everyone.”
“They are just being polite.”
“They do not really know how much help I had.”
The compliment arrives.
Your mind produces an explanation for why it should not count.
This can become a subtle form of self-protection.
If you never fully accept positive feedback, you never have to risk believing something good about yourself and later discovering that you were wrong.
The cost is that positive evidence never gets incorporated.
Criticism gets processed.
Praise gets dismissed.
Over time, the internal balance can become distorted.
2. Praise does not match the way you see yourself
Imagine that your internal identity is:
“I am not particularly good at leadership.”
Then your manager says:
“You handled that difficult conversation exceptionally well.”
The external information is positive.
But it conflicts with your existing self-image.
Instead of updating the self-image, you may reject the information.
“That was just one conversation.”
“It was not really that difficult.”
“They probably did not notice what I got wrong.”
This matters because self-perception is not built from isolated compliments.
It develops through repeated interpretations of experiences.
If your internal model says:
“I am not good enough,”
one compliment may not be powerful enough to override years of evidence you have interpreted differently.
That does not mean the compliment is false.
It means the compliment is competing with an established story.
3. Accepting praise can feel like making a claim about yourself
Some people worry that saying “thank you” to praise means agreeing with a grand statement about themselves.
Someone says:
“You are an excellent leader.”
And internally you think:
“I cannot say yes to that. What if they think I am full of myself?”
So you reject the compliment.
“Oh no, I still have so much to learn.”
Of course you have more to learn.
But that does not automatically invalidate the positive observation.
You can be capable and still learning.
You can be successful and still imperfect.
You can be talented and still developing.
You can be experienced and still uncertain.
Accepting a specific compliment does not require declaring yourself superior.
Sometimes it simply means allowing another person's observation to exist without arguing with it.
4. You may have learned to minimise yourself
For some people, modesty was strongly reinforced.
Perhaps you were taught:
“Do not boast.”
“Do not think you are better than others.”
“Stay humble.”
These messages can be useful in context.
But if they become:
“Never acknowledge anything good about yourself,”
humility can become self-erasure.
You may automatically downplay achievements because acknowledging them feels socially unsafe.
The result can sound like:
“It was nothing.”
“I just did what anyone would do.”
“I was lucky.”
“It is not a big deal.”
There is a difference between humility and refusing to recognise reality.
5. Praise can create pressure
This is a particularly important pattern.
You receive praise.
Instead of feeling relieved, you think:
“Now I have to keep performing at this level.”
The compliment creates a new standard.
If your manager says:
“You are excellent at handling difficult clients.”
you may immediately think:
“What happens when I have a difficult client I cannot handle?”
The praise becomes a contract.
You are no longer simply enjoying recognition.
You are worrying about maintaining the identity attached to it.
Research on fear of positive evaluation has explored a related phenomenon: positive attention can be uncomfortable when people anticipate that praise will raise expectations for future performance or increase the risk of later negative evaluation. Reichenberger & Blechert, 2019
The internal sequence can look like:
Praise → expectation → pressure → fear of failing the expectation
So rejecting praise can create temporary relief.
6. You may be more comfortable being useful than being valued
This pattern can appear in people who spend much of their lives helping others.
You are comfortable hearing:
“Thank you for doing that.”
But uncomfortable hearing:
“I really appreciate you.”
Why?
Because the first is about something you did.
The second touches identity.
A person who has learned to earn connection through usefulness may find it easier to accept recognition for a task than appreciation for who they are.
This can show up in relationships too.
You may happily help someone for three hours.
But when they say:
“You mean a lot to me,”
you feel awkward.
The action feels safe.
The receiving feels vulnerable.
7. Praise can make you feel visible
Criticism can sometimes be processed as information.
Praise can feel more personal.
Someone is looking at you.
They noticed something.
They formed a positive opinion.
They are telling you that they see you.
For someone who is uncomfortable with visibility, that can create tension.
Research into fear of positive evaluation specifically examines discomfort around receiving positive attention and social approval. Reichenberger & Blechert, 2019
You may therefore find yourself thinking:
“Please do not make a big deal about me.”
Not because you dislike the person.
But because being positively seen feels exposing.
8. You may trust criticism more than praise
Consider these two statements:
“You made a mistake in this presentation.”
You immediately believe it.
“You gave an excellent presentation.”
You immediately question it.
Why does negative feedback feel more credible?
One possibility is that criticism fits an existing self-critical story more easily.
If your internal narrative already contains:
“I am not good enough,”
criticism confirms the narrative.
Praise challenges it.
A study of social feedback found that self-esteem and the match between feedback and existing self-knowledge influenced people's affective and self-referential responses to feedback. Van Schie et al., 2018
This does not mean everyone with low self-esteem rejects praise.
It means that positive feedback can be harder to integrate when it conflicts with how someone already understands themselves.
9. You may think accepting praise is arrogant
There is another possibility:
“If I accept the compliment, I will become arrogant.”
So you immediately counter it.
“No, no. It was nothing.”
But receiving appreciation and believing you are superior are not the same thing.
You can say:
“Thank you. I worked hard on that.”
without saying:
“I am better than everyone else.”
You can acknowledge a strength without turning it into an identity of superiority.
Healthy self-recognition does not require comparison.
10. You may be afraid the praise will disappear
Sometimes praise feels good for a few seconds.
Then another thought appears:
“What if I cannot do it again?”
This is especially relevant when achievement has become connected to worth.
The compliment feels conditional.
“They think I am capable because I succeeded this time.”
So the next failure becomes frightening.
What if they change their mind?
What if people discover that you are not actually as capable as they thought?
What if you disappoint them?
The praise therefore contains a hidden threat:
“Now I have something to lose.”
This is one reason people who appear highly successful can still struggle to internalise positive feedback.
11. You may have learned that approval must be earned
This is a deeper possibility, but it should not be assumed simply because someone dislikes compliments.
If your earlier experiences repeatedly connected approval with achievement, usefulness or being “good,” you may have learned an implicit rule:
“I am valued when I perform well.”
Then praise becomes complicated.
You want it.
You need it.
But you do not fully trust it.
Because underneath is the question:
“Would they still value me if I failed?”
This is one reason self-worth is different from performance.
If your value feels conditional, praise may provide temporary relief without creating lasting security.
What your response to praise might be telling you
Instead of asking:
“Why am I so bad at accepting compliments?”
try observing exactly what happens.
Someone praises you.
What is your first reaction?
Do you deflect?
“Anyone could have done it.”
Possible pattern: difficulty owning achievement.
Do you explain?
“It was actually much easier than it looked.”
Possible pattern: minimising evidence of competence.
Do you joke?
“Oh, now you are just flattering me.”
Possible pattern: using humour to reduce vulnerability.
Do you disagree?
“No, I am really not that good.”
Possible pattern: positive feedback conflicts with self-image.
Do you feel pressure?
“Now I have to do it again.”
Possible pattern: praise becomes an expectation.
Do you feel exposed?
“Why are they looking at me?”
Possible pattern: visibility itself feels uncomfortable.
Do you immediately seek another compliment?
“Do you really mean that?”
Possible pattern: reassurance provides temporary regulation.
These are not diagnoses.
They are clues.
What if you simply do not like compliments?
That is also possible.
Not everyone enjoys verbal praise.
Some people prefer practical appreciation.
Some prefer private feedback rather than public recognition.
Some find highly enthusiastic praise uncomfortable because it feels exaggerated.
The goal is not to force yourself to enjoy compliments.
The useful distinction is between:
“This style of praise does not suit me.”
and:
“I cannot tolerate positive information about myself.”
Those are very different.
Try receiving praise without arguing with it
You do not need to convince yourself that every compliment is true.
Try something much simpler.
When someone says:
“You handled that really well.”
say:
“Thank you.”
And stop.
No explanation.
No correction.
No disclaimer.
No:
“It was nothing.”
No:
“I got lucky.”
No:
“You should have seen how badly I handled the other one.”
Just:
“Thank you.”
Notice what happens inside you.
Do you feel exposed?
Embarrassed?
Sceptical?
Anxious?
Pleased?
Pressure?
The reaction itself may tell you more than the words of the compliment.
A small experiment
For the next week, notice one compliment each day.
Write down:
What was said?
What did I immediately think?
What did I say out loud?
What did I want to say but did not?
What did the praise seem to imply about me?
What did I fear might happen if I accepted it?
Do not try to change the reaction yet.
Just observe it.
You are looking for repetition.
Perhaps the pattern is:
Praise → disbelief
Or:
Praise → pressure
Or:
Praise → embarrassment
Or:
Praise → fear of expectations
Or:
Praise → urge to prove it again
The repeated sequence is more informative than one uncomfortable compliment.
Praise and self-worth are not the same thing
A compliment can feel good.
But you do not want your sense of worth to depend entirely on receiving compliments either.
That simply moves the dependency from:
“I am worthless.”
to:
“I am worthwhile when people tell me I am.”
Neither creates much internal stability.
The healthier direction is to allow positive feedback to inform your self-view without making it the sole authority on your value.
You can appreciate praise.
You can question it when appropriate.
You can learn from criticism.
And you can maintain a sense of self that does not completely rise and fall with other people's evaluations.
Where RECODE fits
The RECODE Method™ is a PureCuring framework for exploring recurring emotional and subconscious patterns.
For difficulty receiving praise, the useful question is not simply:
“How can I become better at accepting compliments?”
It may be:
“What happens inside me when someone sees something good in me?”
For example:
Trigger: Someone praises my work.
Immediate thought: “They are exaggerating.”
Emotion: Discomfort.
Response: I minimise the achievement.
Short-term effect: I feel less exposed.
Longer-term effect: Positive evidence never fully registers.
The purpose of this kind of mapping is to make the pattern visible.
RECODE is presented here as a self-reflection framework, not as a diagnosis or replacement for appropriate psychological or mental-health care.
You do not have to become comfortable with praise overnight
The goal is not to turn into someone who loves compliments.
It is simply to become curious about your response.
Next time someone says:
“You did a great job.”
notice the urge that comes immediately after.
Do you want to:
reject it?
explain it?
minimise it?
joke about it?
return a compliment immediately?
change the subject?
prove that it was not deserved?
Pause there.
That moment may contain a surprisingly useful piece of information about how you have learned to see yourself.
Sometimes the hardest compliment to receive is the one that contradicts the story you have been carrying about yourself.
A PureCuring Pattern Check
If praise repeatedly makes you uncomfortable, dismissive, anxious or pressured, the RECODE Pattern Check can help you map what happens between the compliment and your response.
It is not a diagnosis. It is a structured starting point for noticing the belief, emotion and behaviour that may sit underneath the reaction.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do I feel uncomfortable when someone compliments me?
There can be several reasons. You may dislike attention, worry about appearing arrogant, feel pressure to maintain expectations, or find that positive feedback conflicts with your existing self-image. Research has also examined discomfort with positive evaluation in social anxiety. Reichenberger & Blechert, 2019
Why do I always say “it was nothing” when someone praises me?
Minimising praise can become an automatic way of reducing attention, avoiding vulnerability or explaining away evidence that conflicts with a negative self-view. It is useful to observe whether you do this specifically around achievement, personal qualities or public recognition.
Why do compliments make me feel like I have to perform better?
For some people, praise raises perceived expectations. Research on fear of positive evaluation has examined the possibility that positive feedback can create concern about future performance and later negative evaluation. Reichenberger & Blechert, 2019
Does rejecting compliments mean I have low self-esteem?
Not necessarily. Discomfort with compliments can have many explanations. However, research suggests that self-esteem and existing self-knowledge can influence how people process social feedback. Van Schie et al., 2018
Why do I believe criticism but not praise?
One possibility is that criticism fits an existing self-critical view while praise conflicts with it. Research on social feedback supports the relevance of self-esteem and consistency with self-knowledge in responses to feedback. Van Schie et al., 2018
Is it arrogant to accept a compliment?
No. Accepting a specific positive observation does not require believing that you are better than other people. A simple “thank you” can acknowledge another person's perspective without making a claim of superiority.
How can I get better at receiving praise?
Start small. Instead of immediately explaining, minimising or rejecting a compliment, try saying “thank you” and noticing what happens internally. The goal is observation before forced change.
Can RECODE help me understand why praise makes me uncomfortable?
RECODE is a PureCuring framework for exploring recurring emotional and subconscious patterns. It can be used to map the trigger, thought, emotion and response around praise. It is not a diagnostic tool or a replacement for appropriate mental-health care.
Written by Sofia Joghee
Sofia Joghee is the creator of the RECODE Method™, a six-phase framework for exploring and transforming recurring emotional and subconscious patterns.
This article is for educational and self-reflection purposes. It does not provide a diagnosis or replace appropriate medical or mental-health care.
